and a year has gone by.
I just nursed my daughter who sweetly fell asleep in my arms. And then I began sobbing. She will be one year old in a few weeks. I know that I will begin weening her soon. She will begin walking soon....talking....talking back. This year has been the quickest of my life it seems.
As I sobbed, I found myself begging God to let my heaven be a version where I live my life over and over and over again beginning with when I met my husband. I can't imagine that this is my one and only chance to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, raise, love, teach, nurture, and be the mommy of my babies. I want my heaven to be a place of perpetual motherhood. I know this may sound very strange to some, but it is what I love most about this life....my husband and my babies.
I worry about my psychological self. I worry because if I have this much sadness at the approaching one year birthday of my daughter, what am I going to do when my son goes to kindergarten? when my daughter gets her period? when they graduate high school and move away to college?
What am I going to do when my turn is over?
become a grandparent...
ReplyDeleteit's not the same.
ReplyDeleteYou're turn is never over...each step is a new adventure, a new excitement, a new chance to grow as a mommy.
ReplyDeleteDon't dwell on the sadness...pretty soon you'll hear her say "I love you, mommy," and your heart will melt. Then you'll see S beam when he learns to read and your heart will swell. Then you'll get to have a coming into womanhood party with all E's "aunties" and you'll get to teach her what a powerful thing it is to be a woman and your heart will soar. Then you'll get to see S fall in love with a beautiful woman who treats him with respect and you'll be a mama all over again...and your heart will grow.
Motherhood is never sadness...it's magic.